Half of my whole life is done

on the joys of being a fan, my lighthouse artists; Ocean Vuong, and Perfume Genius.

When I peer into the furthest corners of my misty memory, one clear part of my identity that has always unshakably been there is being a fan. It is perhaps one of the few qualities about myself I truly love. Fandom to me is certainly an obsession of some sort, but lately I’ve been thinking of it more as a devotion to something other than ourselves and our ego. An anonymous love, a private love, a pure love, that requires nothing but listening and that offers a whole world you can crawl into. I feel like, as a culture, we diminish the idea of fans as if they are less important than the artists, when in fact the two can’t really exist without each other. Especially when I was growing up in the 90’s, I would equate the word fan with depictions of overzealous ‘boy crazy’ teen girls with photos plastered to their walls. That idea negates how beautiful it is to love something that someone created out of thin air. In a world that is so obsessed with money, power, greed and individualism - I think that admiration is kind of a big fuck you to all of that.

Within a month of each other, I was able to see author Ocean Vuong speak and musician Perfume Genius play, both of whose works have not only been the bedrock for grounding me but have been lighthouse artists for me. Guides that light a path that I can look towards and learn from. I got into both of them around the same time, early pandemic days, early in my sobriety. (We need a term to mark the huge cultural shift since the start of the pandemic, just sayin) I was such a raw nerve at the time, and finding both of them felt like a sort of sign to keep going. One thing about quitting drinking that I didn’t foresee was that it was hard to figure out what I actually liked. I felt like I was changing so much, and so many parts of who I thought I was were also getting washed away. Ocean and PG were two artists that I truly held onto during that time, offering not only solace but a mirror of who I wanted to be. 

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius came out in May 2020. I can't even remember how I stumbled upon the record. Maybe it was a music video thing? I love watching music videos and if Mike of PG is a genius of anything, it's music videos. Regardless of how I found it, it kinda felt like it found me. I sank into that record so hard. I listened to it so much I could anticipate each upcoming note. I would light candles and lie on the floor and cry to it. I would dance around my kitchen singing it. I would drive around blasting it. I really fell completely in love with it. It felt like it completely encapsulated what it felt like for me to quit drinking and I will always think of Mike as a sort of guide for me through those shaky early years of learning how to exist without being drunk. 

“Half of my whole life is done

Let it drift and wash away

Shadows soften toward some tender light

In slow motion I leave them behind” 

- Whole Life by Perfume Genius

In March of this year, Mike released Glory, and much like Set My Heart On Fire Immediately, I needed that record exactly at that precise time. If you have read my previous Substack I was in a very bad depression again, and Glory was a heart-warmingly, familiar yet new at the same time balm. Being able to notice his changes as well as mine felt like we were on this weird journey together. I was excited to see him play at Union Transfer alone. I wanted to be fully attentive, to be able to move around uninhibited, and honestly just cry and be moved without anyone seeing me. I did just that. Covered in goosebumps and tears, it felt so nice to just close my eyes and hear the music that soundtracked this latest biggest change in my life. Being in my body feels so horrible, like 90 percent of the time, it was so healing to want to be inside myself for once.

Ocean’s impact on my life was similar in a lot of ways. I read his book of poetry Night Sky With Exit Wounds early pandemic, then immediately read his novel On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. That book was a huge game-changer for me. It made me fall deeply in love with reading in a way I never had before. It taught me that reading could serve as a type of quiet meditation. It gave me somewhere to put all this new time I had gotten back. Reading a novel written by a poet is a gift that keeps giving and as a lyric girl, Ocean's work was perhaps the biggest inspiration for the last Gladie record. 

I showed up at the Church an hour early to get a good seat for his talk. His newest novel The Emperor of Gladness had just come out the day prior and was getting so much press coverage from the New York Times and even Oprah saying it was the best book she's ever read. I brought my notebook and filled multiple pages with his words of wisdom. Ocean is the same age as me, a queer poet and son of a Vietnamese immigrant. His life story and work seem particularly poignant in this moment of history we are unfortunately in. If you haven't read him yet or heard him speak, I highly encourage you to do so. I genuinely believe he will be remembered as one of the great writers and thinkers of our generation. In the time since seeing him I’ve finished “Emperor of Gladness” a book that starts with the main character attempting suicide, then developing an unexpected friendship with an older Lithuanian woman who saves him, and him her. It focuses on the mundane tenderness of a chosen family that all work together at a fast food restaurant. A very familiar sentiment as someone who has worked at the same bar for over a decade. What I love about Vuong’s writing is that he doesn't shy away from the horrors of our brutal and precarious world but uses the space that's left to examine the beauty. 

One thing I’ve noticed in the past few years that I am very wary of is losing my love of being a fan of other people's art. I remember a few years ago I heard someone complaining about how much they hated all the new music that was coming out, then in the next sentence expressed sadness that people weren't listening to their new music. That energy just ain't for me. Being a lifelong “fan” counters that despair. 

“Cynicism is often misread as intelligence and someone who is earnest, someone who's going all in, [is seen as someone who] has believed something too much. And when you believe something too much, you've been duped. ‘Oh, he got tricked.’ But the contrarian or the skeptic is somehow more smart because he's seen it all and he's avoiding committing. As I've grown older, I've seen that skepticism is often a kind of cowardice. It's like, ‘Oh, they're too scared to commit.’ Earnesty requires a tremendous amount of courage…. The shrug is only radical for so long before it feels quite careless.”

-OCEAN VUONG. 

Both Perfume Genius and Vuong planted seeds of possibility in my mind. Their art is world-building and thought-provoking. I find that incredibly precious in a world where we are often always busy playing defense. I always joke with Matt that it will be impossible for me to ever be bored because there are so many things out there I love and I want to dive deeper into. Most importantly, I see it as a tool for survival - to observe the world from the vantage point of a fan means you're staying curious and allowing the good in. Personally, I believe bitterness closes you off from so many good things, hardens you in a way. 

Being a fan of art makes me still feel tied to my relentlessly curious younger self. The teen who would drive anywhere to see Rx Bandits. Who would lie on the floor and memorize lyrics, write them on the walls of my childhood room. That core part of who I am has been untouched somehow. It's one of the few things that makes me feel like the same person I was 20 years ago. At both the respective shows, Vuong and PG, I felt that familiar swell. The physical signs were the same as they’ve always been: the goosebumps, the flutter, the tears. I'm starting to notice what it feels like being alive for a while; it's strange to observe the passage of time. I thought about that at Union Transfer while watching Mike roll around on the ground singing. I’m so fucking lucky to still be such a fan.

Listening to lately: Spatulas album Beehive Mind. Its nice lofi, psychy, indie pop from Portland, OR

Reading lately: I just finished “The Emperor of Gladness” but I also just read my dear friend Seans first novel “The Beast In The Pines”. It was honestly fantastic. I don’t normaly read the psychological horror genre but It was incredibly captivating. FFO: books about New Jersey, Cults, and the Jersey Devil. Order it here!